stereotypical single woman

I’m not exactly what you would call the “outdoorsy” type. Yes, I like gardening, but mostly because I have an end goal in sight. I want a place to sit out on a deck, drink a cocktail, and have a conversation with my friends as the sun sets with the slight fragrance of roses from my garden wafting through the air. Or someplace to sit as I drink my coffee and read the Sunday paper in the summer. You know, very civilized, English garden stuff. I’m not the hiking in the great outdoors, slapping away mosquitoes, and getting blisters type. I wouldn’t hunt if you put a trigger to my head.  I really couldn’t care less about “roughing it.” Hell, the only time I actually want to be in the great outdoors is when it’s beach side and there’s a young, buff, half naked cabana boy bringing me drinks. Preferably named Raoul.

(pic shamelessly stolen from A Yank Gone South’s Wordless Wednesday post, hi Annie!)

So why in the hell was I reading an article about Cabela’s??? Pure boredom. I was on my lunch break in the student center, looking for something to read so I picked up the the Detroit Metrotimes (warning, for some reason Google has this site listed as harmful - stereotyping maybe?) I passed by the ads for Panhandle Slim & The Oklahoma Kid and Natural American Spirit cigarettes  (quote “We created earth-friendly and organic growing programs, and use recycled materials and renewable energy sources.” - finally, cancer sticks for the eco-conscious!) only to find that their summer guide lists the store as one of their “favorite 8 destinations with more than 1000 things to do!”

Here’s a few of my favorite passages:

“The conceit of the store…creates the unique kind of American experience that  makes French deconstructionists pop a boner. At Cabela’s, American frontier spirit is shamelessly, cleverly parlayed into consumer culture. For the keen cultural observer, the mythology of self-reliance, thrift, and respect for nature are perverted in hilarious and entertaining ways.”

“We take a quick detour upstairs to see that oddities in the furniture department, a monument to kitsch that could strike a sensitive interior designer blind….(hunters) may choose to put their 40-watt bulbs in a 9-antler ‘reproduction’ elk chandelier, hand-stained and rubbed to resemble authentic sheds.”

“And these scenes, both tense and gentle, aim to provide  a sense of reassurance that our consumer-driven culture can strike some balance with rapidly disappearing nature. You may be staring at a mounted critter, as cute and cuddly as the day he was blown to Kingdom Come, and turn your eyes to a 2008 Kawasaki Bayou 250 (comes in red or green) or a Fish Cat Pontoon Boat ($699.) On one platform with rocks and turf sits a pair of Ford F250 Super Duty Trucks, suggesting that moose, elk, and light truck can co-exist in harmony.”

Not the best endorsement the store has ever had, I’m sure, but damn, it made me laugh. The author, Michael Jackman, somehow manages to give a backhand insult to the very establishment he’s supposedly endorsing in every paragraph. It almost makes a 90% vegetarian like me (I know, I know, I’m a hypocrite. But I’m almost there - if only bacon and/or seafood would stop tasting so good) want to visit, just for the laugh. But only almost, after about a full 1/3 of a second of consideration, I think I’ll pass. Given the choice I’d rather suffer through Panhandle Slim & The Oklahoma Kid.