stereotypical single woman

Act I, Sc 1

Lights up on a urban college campus, the undergraduate library. Sara is sitting at the reference desk. Patron, a young undergraduate male with multiple piercings and a “I’m a smartass thug attitude”, approaches her.

Patron: Hi, I, umm, need this article. See, one of my professors wrote a scholarly article and wants me to check it out.

Sara’s Brain: Really???? A professor, here, at a large research university, where it’s necessary to publish multiple times if you want to keep your job, wrote a scholarly article??? Seriously, what are the odds??? And he wants you to take a look at it??? And possibly cite it???? That’s not ego-stroking AT ALL.

Sara: Sure, I can help you find it, do you know his name?

Patron: I think it’s Stevenson.

Sara’s Brain: Keep calm, it could be worse, at least he didn’t ask for something written by Joe Smith. Yet.

Sara: Do you know if that’s spelled with a “v” or a “ph”?

Patron: I don’t know.

Sara: Do you have your syllabus with you?

Sara’s Brain: Good call, the prof might even have the article cited on it and the kid’s just too dumb to be able to find it in the databases. Super easy and you’ll look like a genius.

Patron: No.

Sara: Okay, do you know the course number so I can look up your professor?

Sara’s Brain: How much you want to bet he doesn’t know? C’mon, I’ll bet you 2 to 1.

Sara: (to Brain) Shut up, I’m not betting on a sure thing. Little twerp’s probably too high to even know where he is right now. Look at his eyes, that’s not allergies.

Sara’s Brain: Holy shit! How I did I miss that? Wait….I think I’m starting to get a contact high.

Sara: (to Brain) Oh my god, you are such a lightweight, I swear, ever since we stopped hanging around theatre people your tolerance has gone way down.

Patron: No, let me check. (starts rummaging through bookbag)

Sara’s Brain: Told you!!! And please, my tolerance went away years ago, right around the time Ben and Amanda moved to Atlanta…….I miss Ben, he’s such a good guy.

Sara:(to Brain) I know, the only one of my friends that actually seems to do his job better when he’s high. Did you know that he’s working in Cedar City this summer? Remember how pretty that place was?

Sara’s Brain: I really liked it there, we should go visit him. He owes us for all the times we rewrote his resume anyway, have him comp us some tickets to whatever is playing at the Adams and then we can all go to that great organic restaurant there…

Sara: (to Brain) Sorry, but I just dropped 5 grand for you to go to school this summer, you aren’t going to have the time. Maybe, if you’re good and graduate with honors so we can land a great job, next summer we can go out west on vacation. It’ll give you something to look forward to

Patron: Umm, I don’t have it. But I think he’s a debate coach here.

Sara’s Brain: What the hell, what is this, high school? They have a debate team here? My tuition dollars better not be funding a stupid debate team.

Sara: (scanning the school directory, not finding anything for a debate team) Would he possibly be in the Communications Department?

Patron: Maybe

Sara’s Brain: C’mon, let’s have some fun. Pull up an article from a Stevenson in the Anthropology Dept, or the Environmental Sciences, no, wait, the Med School! Yes, see if you can find an article about prostate problems by a Stevenson! He’s not going to read it until a 1/2 hour before class anyway, c’mon, it’ll be funny!

Sara: (to Brain) I can’t believe this, it’s only our third day on the job and already you want to start messing around with patrons? Shame on you. (to Patron) I’ve found a Donald Stevenson in Communications, would that be him?

Patron: Ummm, yeah?

Sara’s Brain: please, please, PLEASE!!!!!! I’M BORED!!!!!!!

Sara: (ignoring Brain) Okay, now we know the author, do you know either the title of the article or the journal he was published in?

Patron: No.

Sara’s Brain: You have got to be shitting me. Sorry hon, but you wouldn’t take the out when I gave you the chance, you’re on your own. I can’t take any more of this. I’m going to go take a nap, wake me up when this is over.

Sara: (to Brain) Bitch.

lights down