stereotypical single woman

Dear Baby Girl,

I know you’re anxious to get out where all the action is. Sure, there’s lots to do and see, but none of this is going anywhere. It’ll still be here in October. Right now you just need to enjoy the free room and board from your mom while you can, because once you’re out, well, life is going to get a lot harder. To begin with you’re going to have to tell us to feed you, and then wait for us to fix it, no more of this umbilical cord /instant feeding arrangement. And as soon as you come out the count down starts - we’re going to make you learn to not only crawl but walk as well that first year. Because someone needs to go get the beers out of the fridge for the grown-ups when we are watching TV, and Amelia can’t because we’ll have sent her down the street to go get the pizza.

Oh - and don’t give me the line that Amelia came early too. If she jumped off a bridge would you? And I would just like to point out that she only came 4 weeks early, not 7 like you’re threatening to do, you little over-achiever.

I know, I know, you also want to be able to hit Amelia back. It’s that wonderful temper you got from your mommy, Amelia has it too. We all know that she’s been beating on you a lot lately, and you have every right to be angry. But honey, you need to get in line. She’s two, she’s pissed a lot of people off. You’re somewhere behind the gay couple at the table across from us at Logan’s a while ago when she would not stop yelling the ENTIRE time we were eating and the lady with the really obvious implants she kept pointing at and screaming “Daddy, look, BOOBS!” every time they passed her at Meijer……not to mention that she’s got a mean right hook, so you need to get a little bigger before you’re going to be able to hit her back properly.

So why don’t you stay put for another few weeks, okay? You and your Mommy can just stay in the hospital for a day or so until the contractions stop, and then just take a couple weeks break and enjoy yourself before you decide to start labor again. You’d make me, your Mommy, your Daddy, Grandma, Pop-pop, and Aunt Katie much happier if you did.

Love,
Aunt Sara

p.s. Seriously you little shit, do you really want to have us all pissed off at you?