stereotypical single woman

Yesterday was kinda a rough day. Nothing specifically bad happened, I’ve just been emotionally wrung out for a while and it taking it’s toll on me. And I’ve been having nightmares all week that keep waking me up. Some have been the standard school dreams - you know, forgetting you have a class until the final and showing up to the exam naked, even though you know you were dressed before you got there. Others have been the various exes in my life parading around and carrying on with other women in front of me. Just to shred my heart a little bit more my stupid subconscious has me playing voyeur and watching them having sex with someone other than me, who also happens to be much better looking and more flexible, to reinforce the self defeating thoughts that I just wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, or adventurous enough. Now, I know not to take dreams too literally. I know they don’t predict the future. But damn, they can be enough to shake you up sometimes. I really really really didn’t need to see the ones with my exes. And I’ve been afraid to go to sleep at night because they keep coming back in one form or another. So I’m a little tired and even more grumpy. After I left the bank last night I had to stop at the grocery store and the weather matched my mood. The wind was blowing, rain was falling, thunder was rumbling, and it was very dark and ominous. The perfect background to the line “It was a dark and stormy night…” I was only in the store for about 15 minutes and when I came out this was in the sky (the camera phone does not do it justice.)

Some days I don’t know whether or not I believe in God or a divine power, however you may define him, her, or it. I don’t know if I even believe that everything happens for a purpose. Sometimes I think all life is is just a bunch of random crap that gets thrown at you. But when I came out of the store seeing that rainbow put the biggest smile on my face. And it made me realize that out of a lot of darkness, noise, and disturbance can come something beautiful. And that everything is changing and temporary. It gave me some hope. Maybe there is an order and reason for everything in this life. Or maybe it was just a happy coincidence. Either way I’m glad it was there.