stereotypical single woman

I thought that I had plans last night and I was looking forward to them. Things didn’t work out as I hoped though so I had a few hours to kill until I went out for a few drinks with friends and talked about penises and the men attached to them. So I looked around for something to occupy my time and remembered that earlier in the day I had bought this:

You see, I’ve mentioned before that my subconscious has taken up a very bad habit. I’d like to keep my teeth for at least a few more years so I’m willing to do what it takes to save them, even if it does make me look like a dork while I sleep. To pass the time I decided to fit the guard to my mouth so I opened it up, pulled out the instructions, and went to work. Why don’t you follow along?

1. Fill a pot with approximately three inches of water. Boil water until you see a rolling boil and bubbles. Let the water boil for one minute before inserting the dental protector in the water.

Okay, so I’m using my favorite tea pot instead, but I’m still boiling water. Done.

2.Submerge dental protector into the boiling water for 60 seconds.

Area is prepped and waiting for the boiling water.

3. Using a fork or spool, remove the dental protector from the boiling water and submerge it into the cup of cold water for one second to remove the heat from the dental protector.


Okay, done.

4.Position the dental protector comfortably into your mouth.

If this picture ever gets around I will never get laid again.

5. Once in place, firmly bite down into the dental protector.

Not a problem, I know how to bite.

6. Press in along the gum line using equal amounts of pressure on both sides of the “U” shape from the front of the dental protector to the rear molars. Be sure to use you fingers to mold the soft impression material up and around the teeth.

This wasn’t easy - there’s not a lot of room in my mouth and the guard didn’t stay pliable for that long. I didn’t have any extra hands so no picture.

7. Suck in to remove excess moisture and create the suction that will allow the dental protector to stay comfortably in place on your upper teeth.

This is what did me in - I wasn’t satisfied with the way I molded the guard with my fingers so as a last resort I sucked in really really hard and held it as long as I could - and when I was done I took the guard out of my mouth, put it back in the cold water to finish setting the mold, looked in the mirror and realized that the amount of suction I created had bruised my tongue.

Nice picture of my uvula and chipped front tooth, huh? My tongue still hurts, and the only thing that helped was the couple of Long Islands I downed later that evening…

As I was telling the story of my evening to my friends they pointed out that I should be using this natural talent to my full advantage. After all, considering this and my other wonderful qualities (I swallow and have good control over my gag reflex) there is absolutely no reason for me to be single, even if that picture does get around.