stereotypical single woman

Today and last night are just one of those times when it really really sucks being a single woman. My mother is going in for knee replacement surgery today - and logically I know she will be fine. She had the procedure done two years ago on her other knee. The best joint replacement doctor in the area is performing the procedure. But it still shakes you to the core and transforms you into a scared child when you see your mommy pale, drugged, incoherent, and strapped to various machines and IVs.

I feel so selfish right now, I should just be concentrating on helping her and my family get through this, but all I want is for someone to just hold me while I cry and tell me everything will be all right. Or at the very least have someone who cared enough about me and my family to call for updates on her condition and my mental state. I was thinking about her and my family all day yesterday and last night I got home from work, walked into my house, and realized that I couldn’t spend the evening alone, I was just too scared. Of what? I don’t know, too many things, and I just wanted to be around other people. So I grabbed my phone and started making phone calls, but I felt so pathetic calling person after person, trying to get someone, anyone, to just have dinner with me. In the end I was able to convince my mom to go out for a late dinner, using the logic that she wouldn’t be able to eat after midnight, but her surgery wasn’t until 11:30 this morning, so if she didn’t eat again she would be starving this morning. And in the end it wasn’t a bad evening and I was very glad to get to spend the time with her - but it also left me thinking - is this what I’ve become? Someone so undesirable, someone so socially awkward, someone so universally disliked that out of the half dozen I tried the only person who would spend the time with me is my own mother? It’s so depressing. And very eye-opening.

The point of telling you all of this? I don’t know, a good purge I guess. I need to keep it together and I’m using all of you as a substitute to having the emotional support of a boyfriend. Sure, most of you are too far away to give me a hug, but right now it’s cold, so the at least the cats want to cuddle, and that helps a lot when you’re crying yourself to sleep.